Jul 8, 2010

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path.

I'm at that place of not understanding. Caught in between knowing God's plan is bigger than me but still wondering what this all means. 
My biggest struggle began when Zachary's medicine was causing him a great deal of stomach pain.  And through those tears of pain the only thought I had, was "we kept you and now your life is going to suck."
Now don't read into that statement...I have never waivered on whether we were to keep Zachary or not.  It's just the thoughts of all the obstacles he has to face, even medicine that makes him feel so horrible.
And so last Tuesday I had my first breakdown. As Ryan joked with me, I showed a crack in my armour...
and proved that I am human. But it made me feel really defeated.  Although to add to the whole thing, the other two boys were absolute terrors that day, which obviously didn't help.
I still sit here feeling defeated.  For having the break down in the first place and now wondering how to get out of that feeling.  I'm so thankful for my husband and three beautiful boys and strong support system and a powerful God that knows so much more than me.


  1. Your breakdown is completely ok and even to be expected. I think you are too hard on yourself Stefanie. You are a wonderful Mom, I have breakdowns and I don't have to face 1/2 of what you do. My prayers are with you!

  2. Oh, heavens, I break down on a weekly basis. It's completely expected, I think! This is a lot, and having two older kids to on top of it is just so overwhelming some days. I've been really down about Kingsley's medicine this week too, oddly enough. I hope Zachary's medicine gets worked out and he's feeling better soon. And you too!